Dorothy Camille Spangler

Exactly one month ago today, on July 19th, our sweet angel Dorothy Camille Spangler was born still.  When I was 16 weeks pregnant we found out that our baby had Turner's Syndrome.  This is not something that is fatal, but our baby girl got the worst of it.  The doctor told us she had excessive fluid in her heart, abdomen, and lungs. We were told that she had no chance at surviving the pregnancy. That is the worst news I have ever received.  For the next 7 weeks we were on our toes wondering if our baby was still alive or not.  It was heartbreaking, and the hardest thing I've ever done.  Dorothy Camille was our miracle.  I remember the day I took the pregnancy test and I screamed and cried I was so happy!  I remember the look on Bryan's face when I told him I was pregnant.  I have never seen someone so proud.  Even though she is not with us today, I am so thankful for her.  She brought so much joy into our life.  It hurts so bad not to have her here with us.  Not to be able to hold her, or smell her, or take care of her. My heart aches to take care of her.  I know that we will have the chance to raise her one day.  She was too perfect for this awful world.

Every week we would go to the doctor for and ultrasound to see if she was still alive.  Every week for 7 weeks we saw her heart beating.  Then one day, it wasn't anymore.  Even though I had all that time to prepare for that moment, it was still so hard. I had always secretly hoped the doctor's were wrong and that a miracle would happen and she would be born alive. We soon went to the hospital, and  after 17 1/2 hours of labor, I delivered our perfect baby. She was so beautiful.  We spend the next several hours holding her and talking to her.  Something I am so grateful we did.  When the time came to say goodbye, I couldn't do it.  I remember breaking down in the hospital when we had to wheel her down to the nursery for the mortuary to come pick her up.  How could I leave my baby girl?? It was the worst feeling I've ever experienced.  I have never felt more sad or lonely in my life.

The following Monday we held a graveside service for our immediate family and a few friends.  It was the "closure" that we needed in order to be able to heal and move forward.  It was very beautiful and peaceful.  I am so glad to have her grave site to go visit.  It heals me.  I love talking to her and bringing her flowers.  I love her so much.

I am writing this blog post because writing helps. Getting my feelings out and talking about my perfect daughter helps. I want the whole world to know that I have a daughter!!  Unfortunately talking about stillbirth is still a hard subject for people to talk about or handle. Most people find it awkward or don't know what to say.  That's fine!!  It's still sometimes hard for me to talk about, only because it still hurts.  I look forward to the day when I can just remember her in joy and happiness and not as much sadness.  If you read this, thank you.  Thank you for giving me the chance to express my feelings.  I do not want you to feel bad for us.  You can share in our joy for a perfect life that never had to live on earth.  I'm not gonna lie.  It hurts.  bad.  every day. every minute.  But I still am happy that I am her mom, and that I had the chance to help her grow for 6 months.